Dear Maddie,

I wrote my daughter a note today. I could have been writing it to myself. Today was her first day of soccer.  For all of the bravado this little gal has - she sometimes has a hard time. Kinda like me. 

It started out this morning.  She was crying and scared to start soccer.  We did not force her to play. In fact, she asked us to play. Many of her friends play. We sat out the Fall session and opted for a Spring start.  The disadvantage is that she is joining an existing team.  We picked up her uniform this morning when Michael was playing.  She came home and excitedly got herself dressed.  I thought it was going to be fine. It started out fine.

She started the practice drills - she got a ball in the face. It went downhill.  Like crazy glue that will not peel off your fingers, Maddie clung to me with tears streaming down her face. 

Her coaches were fantastic. Her brother was so super supportive. Her entourage of fans - my mom, dad, Michael, Michael and I all tried to work magic and calm her down.

It would have been easy to leave. I felt it was not ok to leave. I told Maddie she did not have to play. She did not have to have fun. But she did have to support her team.  As long as she was here - with her red shirt on - she was to support her team. She could stay on the side lines - but she needed to be there for the team.  I told her we would come back each week so she could support her team - and when she was ready...if she was ready..she could join the game. 

It broke my heart.  I could have been telling myself - you do not need to go to the overnight gymnastics camp, you do not need to go to the 4H weekend, you do not need to go to the 8th grade dance with Mark what's his name - but you might, just might, miss out on some fun. I could be telling myself - if you think this is scary get ready because soccer is the least of your worries. So kick now with all of your strength - to show you have it in you for the real challenges.

Try as they might - she did not want to go in the game.  But right towards the end - the coach's daughter Maddie came up to my Maddie. She said "Hi Mini Maddie, it's ok."  This adorable 3rd grade girl made my Maddie smile. The coach allowed his Maddie to take my Maddie on the field. They held hands and ran together and kicked the ball. My daughter - though she could not realize it - had a glimpse of her future Maddie-self being strong.  This 3rd grade Maddie showed me a strength I did not have at that age. I am thankful for her today.  She finished the game and the coaches had her lead the line of handshakes. 

I came home and wrote me gal a note.  I put it on her bed where she would find it. It may seem beyond her years - but she is beyond her years.  She carries a lot in her heart - like me - and I know that it is a lot sometimes.  She read the note all by herself - and she thanked me. Not once, but many times.  I did not do it for thanks - I did it because I know how she feels. I know how scary it is to be brave and fearful all at the same time.


My dear Maddie,


I am proud of you for trying today. Sometimes things are scary - but real courage comes from trying and getting in the game. All my love, Mom xoxo

Happy Easter - almost

Easter Egg Roll - 2010

The minute Maddie sees the Bunny she pops her shades on like she is on the red carpet.

Happy Easter! Big news on the cake front..This Takes the Cake has been taken over by The Cake Spot.  As you know, I am a cake person...we are a cake family. My mom found out about the new cake place when she was driving by.  She decided to order a cake for us as part of our Easter celebration.  She tried to make it a surprise but decided to tell.  She loves surprises - but also thrills in telling the surprise - so it is sometimes a half surprise. Sometimes I am not sure if I am still supposed to act surprised. It is as much fun watching her joy as it is having my own.

My mom went to pick up the cake before Easter.  My phone rang.  She called to tell me about the cake.  I am not sure if she was adhering to Oprah's no phone zone pledge or if the cake was just so shocking to her that she decided to pull over and call.  I am going with the cake was too shocking.

I know.  Cake is cake - right? Not really.  I do not want to trivialize this but cake means different things to different people.  My mom gets flashed back to her New Bedford days. Of her dog Saxie sneaking the surprise cake under the dining room table. Of birthday celebrations, creme horns, and memories of her old whaling home on Pope Street. Of birthday celebrations and family. Of cousins and laughter.

None of those celebrations had kelly green frosting (yes, her words!) and orange and yellow frosting writing a wild version of Happy Easter! None of those cakes had roses in florescent.  None of those cakes looked like a Mexican Pinata.

Tomorrow we will eat the "new" cake.  We might miss our old cake. We might in our hearts, by reminded of other celebrations that we have enjoyed cake together.  And deep inside, we just might feel sad that you can never go back...and we may realize it is much more than cake.

Happy Easter!

Traditions

Flashback - Easter 2008

I love traditions.  I love the feeling of the familiar and the comfort of the known.  Today, I went to the mother of all traditions.  As part of my job I was able to go to the annual Chrism Mass at the Cathederal in Boston. 

My job did not start out as this.  It started as Development Director for a Catholic elementary school - I now work in the parish as well.  I am spread too thin in my life.  I tackle the Capital Campaign and issues that I had no idea about before I started. I joke with myself that I have been thrust into the DiVinci Code.  I laugh because no amount of church going prepares you for the climate and culture of the church. 

But today I was included in the Chrism Mass.  I did not know anything about this Mass.  I did not know the beauty of the Cathederal - that it is one of the largest in the world. I did not know - until our tour after - that there is a cross with pieces from Jesus' actual cross.  The cross.  It is difficult to not get swept up in the power of the tradition - even if it is not your tradition - when you are at this kind of celebration.

I was surrounded by music bouncing off the arches.  Amidst all of the tradition, the Cardinal was timely and relevent in his homily.  He moved me.  I was in the moment - but also far away.  I was swept into my own traditions.  The stuffing we have every Thanksgiving, the Easter Egg Roll we attend every year, the frosting we get on our birthday cakes with roses "all around," the initiation to Kappa as a young college girl.  I was swept away but firmly planted in today.

I thought of the traditions I am sharing with my children.  The laughter of family stories from New Bedford shared with the cousins - told so many times even the kids could tell them now.  The beach days, the blindfolded cousin adventures...I could go on. How the newest generation needs to hold them as close as I do.

As I head into the holiday weekend - I am casting aside all that I am feeling overworked, overworrried, and overthinking.  I am going to be caught up in the tradition...and thankfully that means cake with frosting and lots of laughter!

Only in America

I had a busy day today - and it is still going on.  Today our kitchen is getting plastered - This is a BIG deal. We have not has a full kitchen for 3 years.  We have what I like to refer to as a New York City Kitchen.  That is the romantic name I give my small space with a sink, fridge, toaster over, crockpot, griddle, foreman grill, washer and dryer. There is no oven and no dishwaher. I have the hands to prove it. 

Today I got up early to go to an appointment, get coal for the coal stove, and get a cake.  Since our bakery deserted us (see post in October!) I have to find a new one.  Today I decided to hit BJ's.  Not my smartest moment, since the Superbowl is tomorrow and the crowds needed to get jumbo packages of doritos and salsa and corn dogs.

At BJ's they made an announcememt, "attention BJ shoppers..." at that point I should have stopped listening. "at the end of aisle 15 we are giving away free peelers!!" So my cart takes a immediate detour to aisle 15. I cannot even believe I wanted a free peeler.  I find it even funnier that about 40 people wanted a free peeler. But as anything free goes, there is always a catch. And since I was 1 - tired, 2 - without kids, and 3 - interested -  I decided to join the crowd. 

The suave speaker told us all about the Euro slicer and how it will change your life. I learned how to have  the best french fries, cry-free onions, and perfectly even tomato slices. I totally bought into it.  I wanted slaw  and I wanted to make it with ease.  I found myself thinking of all of the things I could make. I was going to be very impressive.  A regular "Fancy Nancy" in my new kitchen.

Then, I started laughing. I started really laughing. The kind of laugh that got me kicked out of Yoga. I thought of the Euro slicer and the fact I was quite certain that there were no old ladies in villages in Europe waiting for their butcher and their freshly cut meat or their produce from the farm stand ooogling over a Euro slicer.  Only in America would we stand around with our mouths open watching a man in a slick suit peel carrots and slice cucumbers - and then we would grab the package so we can peel our own.  Funny I saw none of those people even have a vegetable in their cart.  Maybe you can slice Twinkies!

In fact, I think the only people ooogling were the dozens of people who grabbed the entire "special offer" "only today" package of Euro Slicer gifts.  I took only the free slicer with a smile.  If I am being honest, I have to say, if Michael was working I would have grabbed the whole package. I don't know if I am sad that I won't have a perfect tomato pie or relieved I walked away knowing that it is not about perfect slices.  I do know I am still laughing!

Words Matter

The past few weeks have been very stressful for me. With Michael out of work, I find myself over worrying about money and how it will all work. The emergency fund I carefully funded - has now been tested. Emergencies have popped up on top of other emergencies. I did not know it was allowed to work that way. My little bubble of safety and all things easy has been hit by a pin. I guess I did not know how easy it was.

This weekend I went to a Valentine's Tea at one of our oldest friends. We have shared mother/daughter teas with this group of women for many, many years. The conversation picks up where it left off and we catch up on our lives. Our hair color has changed, we have had babies, our moms have become grammies, and we (the kids) have become adults.

There is one woman I love to catch up with each tea. Peggy has a neurologial disease. Not MS, but another bunch of letters that mean crappy deal. I don't need to know the initials to know how she feels. I have first-hand knowledge.

Years ago, Peggy and I talked about MS and she asked if I would talk to her friend's daughter who also has MS. I did. I have talked to many men and women with MS. Sharing my journey and hearing theirs. My attitude is positive - not denial positive - just simply positive. But at this tea, Peggy shared with me my words. How she remembered all that I said to her. I was shocked that she could quote me and things I said. I was shocked that I sounded so sure. So sure that it would be ok.  So sure that we are all playing this game of cards and I just know my hand.  So sure that I know. I know how she feels. I know how it feels.

I walked away knowing that I made a difference. Words matter. They may be the "thing" that someone holds on to. It reminded me to choose carefully becuause you never know when you are making a difference.

Out of My Control

On Tuesday, I had an MRI. People with MS get used to MRIs. Every year or so, I get one to get a benchmark on how my MS is doing. I truthfully try my hardest not to think about it - not in a denial kind of way but in a "I know this is out of my control" kind of way. However, I do not think it is good to get one days before Christmas. I had an hour and a half in the MRI to think about how it is not good to get one a few days before Christmas. But it did put into reality that things are out of my control.

I listened to the radio during the test - and laughed to myself a few times. The radio was on it's last minute shopping commercials and would say... "Want the perfect gift for Dad?" and yeah, sure I need a gift for Dad..but as soon as the answer started so did the machine...beep, beep, beep, babababa. I guess I will never know! I am sticking to fudge for Dad. It ties me to my grandmother this time of year - and I like that feeling.

I spent the time, playing every game I know. I imagined myself on Survivor and tried to work through the annoying pain in my head from not moving for so long. I beat Russell and won the money. I played the whole, we made a mistake you do not have MS game. I played the whole the place is on fire how the heck to I get out of the thing with my head strapped in the cage game. I even dosed amidst the banging and rattling. After a long hour and a half, I was free to leave the MRI. Wobbly at best, I was able to go home. And I forgot to mention, I also played the I need a filet o' fish right now game and thankfully got one on the way home!

Today, Christmas Eve day, my Dr called to say he reviewed the MRI. He said there were no new spots in my spine and there were a few new in my head(microscopic)that were active - not producing symptoms though and we should keep my routine the same. I asked if this is basically good news - he confirmed basically good news. I started crying after I got off the phone. I think I was more worried than I realized. In a year when we are keeping gifts light, I got the gift I could never have even imagined.

The Kitchen

Let me be clear - I do not want my husband to be out of work - there are too many bills and obligations that need to be taken of to be out of work. And selfishly, I do not want to use my emergency fund - even though this is the exact point of an emergency fund.

Despite my fears and complaints, there is a plus side. Maybe even more than one plus side. The energy has shifted. It needed to shift - and it has. It is always amazing to me how things can change so quickly. One minute we were burdened with stress over a toxic situation and the next it is like it never happened. We woke up. The bad dream is over.

So now - we have the kitchen...or are on our way to having the kitchen. Michael is slowing building the kitchen. If I say so myself, it is going to be great. The pieces are coming together. My cousin Michelle stopped by a week or so ago when she was in town. She has been a real source of inspiration in our renovations. Her interior design skill and passion have given us many great ideas. I always look forward to her walk through - they keep me inspired. This time was especially inspiring as her and Glenn (her husband) really talked through thoughts for the kitchen space. Placement that Michael and I could not nail down was given fresh eyes and Michael and I were ultimately able to decide on some key layout pieces. Seems so simple - like it was always meant to be that way. Kinda of like our lives without Michael's job. We were always supposed to feel this free.