What's in a name?

I was a communications major in college - the public relations, writing, and marketing side of communications.  I was not very into the media side - however, I did take some classes in that arena. One of my favorite classes of all time was "Women in the Media." It is a class that I carry with me today. The messages were all about self respect, strength, and determination.  My professor's name was Madeline.  She was fantastic.  I remember her lessons and her teachings based on the curriculum, but it is the life lessons that get me still.

I remember one time I came into class and I bumped into the desk.  I said out loud to the student sitting beside me "I am so clutzy."  Class had not started and Maddie (as she was called) heard me.  She made her way over and said "I heard what you said - you should never talk negative about yourself, you should always be strong and never put yourself down" What a moment.  I do not think I ever heard those words so directly. I still hold them close when I think something negative. When I think I cannot do something.  What would she tell student Jenni.

I think a good part of my love for the name Madeline came from my professor. Her strength and her ability to share her strength really struck a chord with me.

Fast forward many years.  I found out I was having a daughter and I could only focus on the name Madeline. I did not even entertain any other possibilities.  I did not even think for a moment that my husband would not go along. I would have a Madeline.

About a year ago my Madeline and I were talking about names. I told her the story of my professor Madeline and how strong she was - and how she taught me about strength.

This evening Maddie and I were cleaning up her room and hanging up her clothes.  I am getting her used to hanging up her clothes and taking care of her room.  It was a nice time - not fun cleaning, of course - but in sharing some fairly quiet time with her. 

Out of the blue she said "I know why you named me Madeline"

I said "Why is that?"

And then she said - with full conviction "Because it is a name that girls with courage have - and you knew I would be able to handle any troubles that came my way. Remember your teacher in school."

Boy, do I ever. Sometimes I have to be reminded that my Madeline is only 7. She is full of spirit and determination. She does not often take no. She puts me to the test - every day. But it is in the quiet moments - that don't happen often - that she opens me up to her soul - and for that I am grateful.

recent photo that was in the local newspaper
love the no shoes and shorts??!!
too much fun in the playground!

Entitlement...Get Over It!

I am blogging again.  I have to admit I took a break for the last two months.  It is not as if I really wanted to - I just couldn't get it together.  I would start to write and I would be blocked.  Rather funny since I write at work most of the day.

It finally hit me today.  I was sitting down on the couch with our kitten in my lap relaxing.  My mom took the kids as I have been having some problems with my MS in my eye and she wanted to give me a few hours to myself.  I was thinking of a conversation I had recently and how I was complaining that it felt like the universe was colliding with me.  My boss, a priest, said maybe it is.  I was a little stunned and a touch annoyed.  I never thought of that.  And I did not even process the thought until this afternoon.

Here I am worried and complaining to myself about my husband being laid off from work over a year ago, how worried I am that we are going to go through all of the emergency savings, how tired I am, how much I have to do for the PSO, how scared I get when my MS acts up and I lose some vision, how our renovations seem like they will never be done, how I don't have time to do the creative things I love...it goes on.

I even confessed I am a little mad at God.  And then it hit me.  Why do I think I am entitled to have everything work out the way I think it should work out?

Here I am praying each day for strength and yet I still need to be in control. I am trying to hold it all together, and all the while the outside me is so positive but the inside feels like an egg about to drop. Why can't I let go and believe that there is another plan? Maybe the next steps will be as good if not better than the old steps. I guess that is what faith is - and it just took me a while to get the message.