Out of My Control

On Tuesday, I had an MRI. People with MS get used to MRIs. Every year or so, I get one to get a benchmark on how my MS is doing. I truthfully try my hardest not to think about it - not in a denial kind of way but in a "I know this is out of my control" kind of way. However, I do not think it is good to get one days before Christmas. I had an hour and a half in the MRI to think about how it is not good to get one a few days before Christmas. But it did put into reality that things are out of my control.

I listened to the radio during the test - and laughed to myself a few times. The radio was on it's last minute shopping commercials and would say... "Want the perfect gift for Dad?" and yeah, sure I need a gift for Dad..but as soon as the answer started so did the machine...beep, beep, beep, babababa. I guess I will never know! I am sticking to fudge for Dad. It ties me to my grandmother this time of year - and I like that feeling.

I spent the time, playing every game I know. I imagined myself on Survivor and tried to work through the annoying pain in my head from not moving for so long. I beat Russell and won the money. I played the whole, we made a mistake you do not have MS game. I played the whole the place is on fire how the heck to I get out of the thing with my head strapped in the cage game. I even dosed amidst the banging and rattling. After a long hour and a half, I was free to leave the MRI. Wobbly at best, I was able to go home. And I forgot to mention, I also played the I need a filet o' fish right now game and thankfully got one on the way home!

Today, Christmas Eve day, my Dr called to say he reviewed the MRI. He said there were no new spots in my spine and there were a few new in my head(microscopic)that were active - not producing symptoms though and we should keep my routine the same. I asked if this is basically good news - he confirmed basically good news. I started crying after I got off the phone. I think I was more worried than I realized. In a year when we are keeping gifts light, I got the gift I could never have even imagined.

The Kitchen

Let me be clear - I do not want my husband to be out of work - there are too many bills and obligations that need to be taken of to be out of work. And selfishly, I do not want to use my emergency fund - even though this is the exact point of an emergency fund.

Despite my fears and complaints, there is a plus side. Maybe even more than one plus side. The energy has shifted. It needed to shift - and it has. It is always amazing to me how things can change so quickly. One minute we were burdened with stress over a toxic situation and the next it is like it never happened. We woke up. The bad dream is over.

So now - we have the kitchen...or are on our way to having the kitchen. Michael is slowing building the kitchen. If I say so myself, it is going to be great. The pieces are coming together. My cousin Michelle stopped by a week or so ago when she was in town. She has been a real source of inspiration in our renovations. Her interior design skill and passion have given us many great ideas. I always look forward to her walk through - they keep me inspired. This time was especially inspiring as her and Glenn (her husband) really talked through thoughts for the kitchen space. Placement that Michael and I could not nail down was given fresh eyes and Michael and I were ultimately able to decide on some key layout pieces. Seems so simple - like it was always meant to be that way. Kinda of like our lives without Michael's job. We were always supposed to feel this free.