Entitlement...Get Over It!

I am blogging again.  I have to admit I took a break for the last two months.  It is not as if I really wanted to - I just couldn't get it together.  I would start to write and I would be blocked.  Rather funny since I write at work most of the day.

It finally hit me today.  I was sitting down on the couch with our kitten in my lap relaxing.  My mom took the kids as I have been having some problems with my MS in my eye and she wanted to give me a few hours to myself.  I was thinking of a conversation I had recently and how I was complaining that it felt like the universe was colliding with me.  My boss, a priest, said maybe it is.  I was a little stunned and a touch annoyed.  I never thought of that.  And I did not even process the thought until this afternoon.

Here I am worried and complaining to myself about my husband being laid off from work over a year ago, how worried I am that we are going to go through all of the emergency savings, how tired I am, how much I have to do for the PSO, how scared I get when my MS acts up and I lose some vision, how our renovations seem like they will never be done, how I don't have time to do the creative things I love...it goes on.

I even confessed I am a little mad at God.  And then it hit me.  Why do I think I am entitled to have everything work out the way I think it should work out?

Here I am praying each day for strength and yet I still need to be in control. I am trying to hold it all together, and all the while the outside me is so positive but the inside feels like an egg about to drop. Why can't I let go and believe that there is another plan? Maybe the next steps will be as good if not better than the old steps. I guess that is what faith is - and it just took me a while to get the message.

 

Nothing Strange....

Mom and Rosemary - (not on Black Friday!)

Before today, I thought there were two types of people.  Those who like shopping Black Friday and those who don't.  I did not dawn on me that there was a third category.

There is. I hate to put myself in a group - but as the expression goes "if the shoe fits...."

There is the category of people who like Black Friday, leave the house at 11 to meet their best friends and get to the store by midnight only to find that the store does not open until 4 am. Who knew?

Best friends + comedy of errors = great time.  So, we spent four hours in the middle of the night in the rain sitting in the parking lot of Target drinking coffee that took us an hour to get at McDonalds.

What's strange about that? Nothing strange to me. Not when you laugh until your sides hurt.  Not when you are grateful for friends and friendships that pick up where they left off - like there has never been a day apart. Nothing strange when you realize that you don't even care if you get the door buster but simply enjoy just being with your mom and your close friends.  There is nothing better than wrapping up my favorite day of the year with an all-nighter with best friends.

And to keep it all going we woke up today and did it again.  Well, not the midnight run and the parking lot hangout, but a trip to CTS and a lunch full of laughs to fill our soul until we all get together again. I am grateful.

Limbacher

Maddie the Dino - A last minute switch from Pebbles!



Michael the "Skeleton Robber" this is the back of the costume!
So funny when he ran!!!


It has been a busy couple of weeks - between birthdays, Halloween, cousins, and everyday life, I have been going 'round the clock.  I know this is the reality for so many families - that is not lost on me.  I am a gal who needs down time.  I need to be able to connect with a book, a project, even a tv show to decompress.  I guess it is the connection that I crave. 

This week I certainly got the connection I needed. 

I am a touch of a pack rat. Kinda. I have always saved "things" that are important to me.  Growing up I had a lot of Ginny Dolls.  As an only child, I remember playing with them for hours on end. My mom would take me to The Granite, the local five and dime at the time, to buy outfits for the dolls.  I loved dressing the dolls in the outfits and sorting the clothes. 

It comes as no surprise that I saved these dolls.  I have been waiting for the "right" time to pass these dolls on to my daughter.  This weekend, as I packed away the Halloween decorations and costumes I can't bear to say good-bye to, I pulled down the dolls. 

I think I was even more excited than my daughter but, according to her it was "the best day of her life!"

I also pulled down my dollhouse stuff.  I have a whole bin full of doll house furniture and accessories.  It is hard to put into words all that this bin means to me - then and now. 

As a little girl my dad made me a doll house - and my grandparents, Limbacher and Grandfather made me furniture.  Not just basic furniture - deluxe furniture.

It is difficult to explain without seeing the furniture first-hand or without you knowing my grandmother but I will try to put it in words.  My grandmother, who I lovingly referred to as Limbacher, was meticulous.  Her craftsmanship was exceptional. She made beautiful Ukrainian Easter Eggs, delicious food, doll clothes, and doll furniture just to name a few of her talents I treasure. 

The doll furniture includes couches, chairs, ottomans, tables, a hand-painted chest with my initials, and a red velvet chaise lounge.  With grandfather, she built hutches and bureaus.  I always knew how amazing it was. But when I opened the box as a grown up, I was blown away by the true labor of love that stood before me.

I shared it with my kids - both son and daughter alike took joy in opening the box.  I had enough to not only fill several houses, but a general store.  When I used to visit my grandparents in New York, my favorite spot to shop was the general store. It was only fitting that I asked my Dad to make me a general store.  I have shelves, a pint size cash register and general store goodies to make the experience genuine.

Through it all, all I could think of was Limbacher. I wondered what she was thinking when she made the furniture. I wondered if she ever thought when she was making the furniture for me if I would save it for my kids to enjoy one day.  I wondered if she ever had her own doll house when she was younger. 

I stopped wondering and starting wishing. Wishing I could tell her how much I had played with the furniture and that I saved it all these years.  But mostly, wishing that I could tell her all about my kids and how much joy they are having playing with the furniture.

40

In honor of me today, since it is my birthday, I thought I would post a picture of one of my favorite days at one of my favorite places.  During the summer, we frequent a beach with dear friends. "Float Around Beach" is hands down one of my favorite places in.the.world. The current is such that you start at one point of the large ocean circle and literally float around the entire area.  It is difficult to explain.  It is easier to let go and float. 

I have floated around this location many times.  Sometimes we use boogie boards. Our kids use life jackets. Both grown ups and kids float. Often over and over. "Ready for a float around?" Music to my ears.

In this particular picture, on this particular day, I learned to let go.  Seriously let go.  I can honestly say in all of my days I have never felt so free. It is hard to see, but if you look close you can see I am in full float. I felt as carefree as I look. I could hear the water rushing by and feel it moving my body around. I was not even sure of the direction I was heading. And not even caring.

I think it is a good lesson for me.  Not the not caring part...but the part about not being worried about the direction I was heading.  Sometimes I get caught up in the direction I am going. As long as I am moving forward, I need to let go.

I turned 40 today. I have to say I know it is a hard birthday for some people.  It is not difficult for me.  I don't want to get all MS here, but it is an issue. Fourteen years ago when I was diagnosed with MS, I would not even let myself envision what today would look like. I did not know what tricks my body would pull.  My visions of MS were "old school" - they were worst case scenario Polaroids developing before my eyes.

I am not those Polaroids.  I am strong, positive, and fortunate.  And this is not to say I am without problems. I am. But it is not how I choose to look at it.


I mustered up the strength without breaking down to explain to my husband this morning. That I do not need anything for my birthday - I really do indeed have all that I need.


Some of my girlfriends took me to a wonderful lunch today.  I was truly surprised by it all. I was overwhelmed by their generosity.  Each of these women are so different, but we share so much of the same.  They are "islanders"  If I was to be stuck on a desert island - they are people I would want beside me.  They give to their families, their community, their friends.  They inspire me to be a better person. To listen more. To share more.  I am fortunate that they shared today with me. And in the spirit of not being worried about the direction I am heading, I can honestly say that today I am heading down the right path.

Bump in the Road

Life has been pretty busy on the home front and on the work front.  I find myself missing out on a few of the things that keep me grounded.  Writing on this blog is one of them.

The kiddos are back at school. New grades = New challenges.  Most of them good, a few that have been difficult.  The homework is getting harder for my oldest student.  For the first time, his organization and time management are being put to the test.  And I guess, to be a strong model, so is mine.

For him, the challenge is reading.  In our home, it is overwhelming for him to pick the "just right" book, when you think everyone else is reading "War and Peace."  If he only knew that they aren't - and if they are - they are faking it.  A handful maybe. But a good many are faced with some challenges. They just don't tell anyone. I think it's OK to tell.

I met with the specialist this morning.  She passed many books on to me to have him plow through.  They are easier than his level, but will allow him to self correct and continue to build his foundation.  He will still read his challenging books. His love of books and reading will still be honored.

Well, it went over like a lead balloon.  Tears and frustration.  Lots of tears and frustration.  For the first time, I shared with my son something I ALWAYS say to myself.  This is just a bump in the road.  In fact, I say it so much to myself sometimes I sound like a broken record in my head. This is just a bump in the road.

I remember the first time I said it to myself. I had to get 4 days of IV for my MS.  I allowed myself a pity party. I cried and then I dusted myself off.  Before it started the next afternoon, I read "Night" by Elie Wiesel and decided promptly that my problems were in fact, just a bump in the road.  I continue to believe that. It will be OK.

I believe it for my son, too.  It is a tough lesson to learn when you are nine.  But I can't think of a better time. I wish I had learned it at nine.  I know in my heart if he realizes that this is "just for now" and that he will be on a smooth road again real soon, he will get over this bump stronger and on the right path. It will be OK.

It's All in the Details

I love details. I swoon over all of the little things that make something special. I just love it when someone takes the extra step to do just a little bit more.  It is the little bits that make me the happiest. 

I think my love for details comes from my mom. The way she wraps our Christmas gifts, the way she set a table with special place holder for everyone, even the way she tells her stories.  Her details are what make it stick. Her details make us want to hear the same story over and over.

This past weekend we went to my cousin's wedding. It was glorious.  In fact, it was a whole weekend of specialness.  The touches that someone might zoom past were not lost on me.  From the beautiful candles with everyone's name on it to tell their seat, the hand-designed tote bags with the special town places, to the Americana rehearsal dinner with traditional New England Faire - each touch showed how much they care for all of us and their relationship. That is the thing about the details, the littlest things really do mean so much.

Speaking of details, I have made some changes to my TV room furniture.  Please Pottery Barn - do not be jealous! I read other blogs all the time.  Crazy pastime. But I love hearing other people's stories.  One of my favorites, The Nester, features great home design ideas.  Her perfect mantra "It does not have to be perfect to be beautiful" is sitting perfect with me right now.  I think I would give her a hug if I met her.  She has freed me up.  After seeing her great Pottery-Barnesque slipcovers I made my own.  I downloaded a great e-book on another great blog and started to move.

Well ok, I of course, could not make these on my own. My mom made mostly them. I ordered the fabric, prewashed it, helped cut, helped pin, and ordered pizza. It was a blast.  And the results are pretty darn amazing if I do say so myself.  We did the couch and the ottoman - and we ordered some more fabric to do my over sized chair. 

Author's note: when viewing the photo do not get derailed by the unsightly air conditioner. When you live through renovations, you do not get everything at once. (Heat, yes. Central Air, almost yes. Until then AC)

Now onto my next project.  I have two bookcases that I am going to paint and distress to put in the playroom.  I'll keep you posted....

Don't Blink

This week, our gal hit a milestone when she started riding her bike without training wheels.  Michael and the kids took off to the slice o' life corner to take a bike ride in the church parking lot. It was an exciting day for her. 

Michael had removed her training wheels in the morning - knowing that she was ready.  I do not know if she knew she was ready.  There were not many conversations about being ready. In fact, I do not think there were conversations at all. 

It makes me think this is what happened years and years ago. You just did things.  You did not have a whole bunch of conversations about readiness.  No conversations about how you are feeling.  About making sure you are ok with the decision.  Just go.  Sometimes it just feels right not to over think your every last move and just go.

She took off.  Michael sent me an email at work.

"Well, Maddie has taken off the training wheels and if off riding her bike - next stop village after that - look out world. Taking them to beach for a little while. L, M"

Later that night we all went to see Maddie ride her bike.  Michael on his big kid bike and Michael and I in tow.  Her big brother was so supportive and even showed her some of his moves. Of course, we took a bunch of pictures.

Today, I was cleaning our family room.  I have a spot where a keep some of the mini scrapbooks I have made.  The kids love to "take a peek" over and over.  I must admit, so do I.

I stumbled on one I made when we first moved to town.  Michael was about 6 months younger than Maddie is now. I was struck by the bike shots.  How he has changed.  How he has grown from a little boy to a growing boy. How Maddie was not even on a bike.  How in front of your eyes life moves very fast. How I, of course, already know this, but sometimes need to be reminded.  Don't blink.