Out of My Control

On Tuesday, I had an MRI. People with MS get used to MRIs. Every year or so, I get one to get a benchmark on how my MS is doing. I truthfully try my hardest not to think about it - not in a denial kind of way but in a "I know this is out of my control" kind of way. However, I do not think it is good to get one days before Christmas. I had an hour and a half in the MRI to think about how it is not good to get one a few days before Christmas. But it did put into reality that things are out of my control.

I listened to the radio during the test - and laughed to myself a few times. The radio was on it's last minute shopping commercials and would say... "Want the perfect gift for Dad?" and yeah, sure I need a gift for Dad..but as soon as the answer started so did the machine...beep, beep, beep, babababa. I guess I will never know! I am sticking to fudge for Dad. It ties me to my grandmother this time of year - and I like that feeling.

I spent the time, playing every game I know. I imagined myself on Survivor and tried to work through the annoying pain in my head from not moving for so long. I beat Russell and won the money. I played the whole, we made a mistake you do not have MS game. I played the whole the place is on fire how the heck to I get out of the thing with my head strapped in the cage game. I even dosed amidst the banging and rattling. After a long hour and a half, I was free to leave the MRI. Wobbly at best, I was able to go home. And I forgot to mention, I also played the I need a filet o' fish right now game and thankfully got one on the way home!

Today, Christmas Eve day, my Dr called to say he reviewed the MRI. He said there were no new spots in my spine and there were a few new in my head(microscopic)that were active - not producing symptoms though and we should keep my routine the same. I asked if this is basically good news - he confirmed basically good news. I started crying after I got off the phone. I think I was more worried than I realized. In a year when we are keeping gifts light, I got the gift I could never have even imagined.

The Kitchen

Let me be clear - I do not want my husband to be out of work - there are too many bills and obligations that need to be taken of to be out of work. And selfishly, I do not want to use my emergency fund - even though this is the exact point of an emergency fund.

Despite my fears and complaints, there is a plus side. Maybe even more than one plus side. The energy has shifted. It needed to shift - and it has. It is always amazing to me how things can change so quickly. One minute we were burdened with stress over a toxic situation and the next it is like it never happened. We woke up. The bad dream is over.

So now - we have the kitchen...or are on our way to having the kitchen. Michael is slowing building the kitchen. If I say so myself, it is going to be great. The pieces are coming together. My cousin Michelle stopped by a week or so ago when she was in town. She has been a real source of inspiration in our renovations. Her interior design skill and passion have given us many great ideas. I always look forward to her walk through - they keep me inspired. This time was especially inspiring as her and Glenn (her husband) really talked through thoughts for the kitchen space. Placement that Michael and I could not nail down was given fresh eyes and Michael and I were ultimately able to decide on some key layout pieces. Seems so simple - like it was always meant to be that way. Kinda of like our lives without Michael's job. We were always supposed to feel this free.

With Gratitude.....

At Mom and Dad's Thanksgiving 2007

My favorite day of the year is Thanksgiving. I love all things Thanksgiving. From the pie, the sweet potatoes, our family stuffing, the Macy's Day parade....the list could go on.

I truly love the process of thanks - and being thankful. Two days before my son was born, my mom and I saw Oprah Winfrey and Maya Angelou speak at a conference in Boston. They were in these beautiful outfits in this "living room" setting. We, the audience, were like flies on the wall of their conversation. I carry so many of their comments with me. Today, I am mindful of one of those points. Maya (I say it like I know her) spoke of giving thanks - even when it is not a situation that you would normally give thanks to. Are you having a hard day, are you in a tough situation, are you stressed out, are you having health problems - give thanks. Pause and give thanks. Be thankful that you have this experience to learn from, to live with, to grow from.

Today, I can think of a few things that I might not normally say thanks to. I will be pausing and giving them their due time. I am sure we all have a few - and that is not lost on me. We are all faced with challenges that test us - but they ultimately -make us who we are.

Today I will also be pausing, like I do every day, to give thanks for all that is bigger than me. My family, my parents, my doctor, my home...I am blessed more than I can even imagine. My thanks for the journey that I am lucky enough to share with so many I love.

True Lab

Last week, our dear dog Scout became an official member of "Doggie Heaven" as we lovingly refer to it at our home. Scout has been a member of our family for 12 years - she joined us when we had another lab, Dixie. Dixie was the dearest lab you would ever meet. She was gentle, calm, and loved to sneak on the couch when we were not home - so it only seemed fitting that when we got Scout we thought she would follow suit in the calm, loving ways of Dixie. Were we ever wrong. Scout was feisty, determined, stubborn, sometimes sweet, and playful. She tended to back talk - especially to me - who she thought she could push around by intimidating. And sometimes she did.

Like the odd couple, Dixie and Scout formed a friendship. They were protective together when we welcomed our son home from the hospital. Neither one would leave his side or his swing or his play bouncy seat. A few years later Dixie passed away leaving Scout solo. Scout continued her feisty ways - but she did not have a friend to impress so she settle down a bit. Years when by, we welcomed our daughter home and Scout was protective all on her own. The kids have gotten older and Scout loved to play with them. In the last few years, we called her a weekend dog - I think between her fear of walking up stairs and her back legs starting to fail, she did not venture in the area of the home we "live" in. But she loved the weekends, she came to life playing with the kids in the yard and keeping helping Michael company during renovation.

So it was with a heavy heart that we said goodbye to Scout last week. I already miss the back-talking bark she gave me each morning right when I turned around and headed up the stairs- even though it made me jump - but I am happy she has joined her pal, Dixie, in "Doggie Heaven"

Cake-tastrophe!!!

I have been busy - very busy - between the new job, some problems with my MS sending me to my Dr. several times a week, my husband's soon to be ending job, life at South Main has been moving at a warp speed. Alone, each of these items could fill it's own post - and I will - I need to. But the real troubling problem is cake...dare I say it is a simple as cake! Makes you think the other problems are really not life and death and can be solved.....

Herein lies the problem...I am a cake girl. I am all about the cake. I have a bakery I have used for the last 15+ years. It has served me "knock-out cake" for my birthdays, my parent's birthdays, the birth (arriving home from the hospital) and the birthday celebrations of my children. We have celebrated the joyous 90th birthday of my grandmother and we have had cake just because. We have had the name of the bakery "This Takes the Cake" scripted in buttercream on our cake when we have no occasion other than a "we need a cake" occasion. I have eaten more "pass out" buttercream than I should mention - and I in fact am not ashamed to do so.

My birthday was two weeks ago - my mom went to get our cake - our cake because we have ownership in this joint. They were closed for a few weeks the message said. OK, I can handle that - a few weeks, OK. I will get a recovery cake once they reopen. So I go to order the cake for my mom's birthday tomorrow. Do-Do-Do the phone makes that annoying chime when it picks up - the number is no longer in service. I try again - I try again. I call 411 - which kinda seemed like I needed 911 for oxygen - but I refrained. I talked to my friend who lives in the bakery town - and yes, they closed. Hard times. They closed. Hard times - I am tired of hard times.

I say to my husband - this is a cake-tastrophe! Why is it I am more stressed out over this and not over the fact your job is ending in two weeks??? He said - that is a little sick. I know - but it makes me think that I have things in perspective. He is strong and will get a new job, I am sad and I am having a hard time parting with a friend that has been at the celebrations of my life for the past 15 years. I was even planning a cake for when he had his last day at this awful job that has crept in and caused us all so much stress over the last few years. So as my husband is interviewing for new jobs, I am interviewing new bakeries - mine seems like a sweeter and easier job - and for that I am thankful!

Are you kidding me???

Great news on the home front...we finally got a rug for Maddie's room! I have searched high and low to find the right rug for Mad's room - nothing too modern - of course, since the home is 1790..nothing too cheesy, stuffy, teenagery (I know- not a word!) I wanted something to reflect the vintage, shabby chic feel of her space. So I finally find an adorable, braided chenille rug - cute colors pink, cream, and a touch of soft green that match her room perfectly. My mom and I load the rug - call my Dad on the way home and have him meet us at home for the unveil and roll out.

My mom and I load it in - the kids are excited...Maddie is on her window seat singing "Happy, Happy!" to anyone listening. The rug is rolled out and I am sitting on it when I see bright PURPLE florescent dots!!! Not since George was killed off of Grey's Anatomy have I shrieked so loud - "GLOW STICK!!!!!" Maddie starts crying as her glow stick is leaking all over the new rug - I start crying because - well just because - and my Dad tells me these things happen! Funny, I did not think he used to think these things just happen when I was a kid...

As quickly as the tears fell, the florescent faded. The rug has settled in beautifully and glow sticks are officially banned from our home. Michael has a new rug, too - and a lot less drama!

Aren't you going to post a picture......

A lost tooth story would not be complete without a pic.....and thankfully, I have Madeline to remind me

It's been a while.....

It has been a while since my last post....not because nothing fun and exciting has happened - but because so much has been going on I have not come up for air. This year I am President of the PSO in the elementary school again. We run on two year terms so this is my second year. I have to say it is a lot of work but very rewarding with all of the money we raise for the school and all of the great programs we organize and run. It is a group I am quite proud to be a part of.

My gal Madeline lost her first tooth!!! Big news here! I have to admit we went to the dentist for her regular cleaning and the hygienist said "looks like she is about to loose her tooth!" I think I am pretty clued in on the family front and the goings on of the kiddos - but you could have knocked me with a feather! Did not even know it was almost "fall-out loose"...the good thing - neither did she! Two days later she lost the tooth at recess so the cool factor was even higher. Losing her tooth and losing it at school - I think she was the first one in her K class to loose - but don't quote me! Not that you would anyway!

Back in the swing of school - Michael is loving 3rd grade - he has moved up in schools to the 3rd-5th grade school. So big and so independent! Madeline is raising the roof at full day kindergarten - and loving every minute of it. Happy to see them thrive.

The schedule has freed me up to work on the house - you would think - but instead I was offered a job doing Development in a school a few towns over. Typical me - I could not resist! Just 15 hours a week of "me" work time - hopefully making a difference and continuing to sharpen my communication skills that I worked hard on in college - my dear dad says he in continuing to get a return on his investment in my college! I say that is not lost on me and know my college days (though long ago now! - grad in 1992) have made a difference in my life every day from my relationships (my dear husband and close college friends) to my confidence and to my gratitude and perseverance. An investment I will pass on to my kiddos in due time - but for now I am enjoying the 3rd and K years!

Waiting Game

Ok, here's the thing - I have been waiting around for my IV today. First, I have a "new" nurse today. My regular nurse is on vacation. My new nurse showed up and began to start preparing the medicine before I get the stick (that's IV lingo for before they jab the heck out of my arm or hand looking for a vein!) Well, for the first time in over a decade the medicine depressor that mixes the med and the IV fluid (I'm sure there is a much more official term) did not work.....What???? I have had over 150 IV's and this never happened...my nurse has nursed for over 30 years and this has never happened....now I wait. Wait for the nurse to get back with new meds. Wait for my nerves to settle down. Wait to see if the "new" nurse can get veins better than she can work medicine. Time will tell......maybe I should have packed more stuff to do

Head-on

So today is IV day - I have MS and every 4 weeks I get an IV - as I say to keep me charging. It is always a scramble the morning of the IV as I gather all of the stuff I want to do when I am hooked up for a few hours. Typically, I have one day on infusion, but in the event of problems with my MS I have a several day course of infusion. I have to say this is now very normal for me...scary normal. I never thought it would be so normal, but I guess that is a good thing. I have had MS for a very long time - I was diagnosed in December of 1997 but I know in hindsight I have HAD multiple sclerosis for much longer.....

I think I take people by surprise when I am so casual about the IV - "oh, can't I have my IV today" or "kids, my nurse will be here soon - I have my IV" That is my way of dealing - I think my openness has been my healing - and my way to cope. My way of sharing my journey with others so maybe, just maybe, it won't be so scary and uncertain. Let's face it none of us know what the future holds anyway....might as well face it head-on.

Off for now, got to gather the magazines I am going to rock out with this afternoon -Oh, and speaking of rocking...got to see the unbelievable Melissa Etheridge last night - Live and Alone....talk about taking it head-on - now there's an inspiration!

Where did the summer go?

Looked at the calendar this am and cannot believe that school starts in a week - sat down with my tea and wondered where the summer went! This was to be the summer of relaxation, beach, no over scheduling, work on the house, get a kitchen....looks like we were successful on some - not so on others!

Kitchen o'Kitchen on mine...where are you and will you ever get done! Let me be clear we have all of the parts ready....we have a beautiful old slate sink, a wolf stove (story for another day!) the refrigerator, dishwasher, double oven, warming drawer - apparantly we have enough appliances to make up for the lost time without the kitchen -we have the inspiration pictures of what we want our "old new" kitchen to look like and the vibe we want....we even have a top 10 list going of the foods we want to make once we are all set up. The journey is a little tougher because Michael wants to build the kitchen cabinets and all.....and I want to make sure we have it before the holidays... now is the time to either wish me good luck or say what are you thinking??? I'll keep you posted...

Thankfully we were successful in the other areas this summer - in fact, I realize we are really good at relaxing!

You Have A Book??!!

It has been a HOT summer here over the past week - the mercury has finally risen and the doom and gloom of the earlier cold and rainy summer months has long been forgotten. Extreme heat and me don't mix....I have MS and often have rather annoying heat intolerance. Our AC is cranking and I really just want to veg out and stay cool - which of course, never happens! There is way too much to do with two busy kids and a house under major renovation.

Yesterday my little bambinos were raising the roof around here and getting on each other like I am told siblings do. The only child in me cannot even relate to the constant scrappyness (is that a word?) that they were doing to each other. I finally had enough and told each they needed a break - a time out in so many words. My son listened intently and took the break without much fanfare...my daughter, on the other hand, tends to not take breaks. As I sat her down and told her that her actions were not acceptable and not respectable...I think I said -"that behavior is not ok - not in my book" She looked up at me and I think in all seriousness said "You have a book???" And there goes the punishment - hard to stick to a break when you burst out laughing! Maybe I should have a book.........

Hello, Old Friends!

On Friday, we unloaded our final storage unit - final, you say?? During this process we have had three storage units holding all of our stuff from our old home...and now we are done! No more monthly rent to storage - Ya-Hoo!!! (Nothing against storage - they have been great babysitters for the past 2+ years!!)

Anyway, the roof has been completed on our addition/workshop so we can confidently store boxes without fear of water damage. Michael, my dad, and Michael Jr. loaded a large Uhaul truck and brought it home. It was the craziest feeling when I first saw it opened - It is not that I am attached to things, I really am not....but I feel very connected to certain things...it is like the comfort of having a cup of tea with a dear old friend. I was thrilled to see my favorite books, furniture, and my cherished scrapbook supplies - my wheels are already spinning with some great projects to make once the kiddos start back to school. So much stuff! The great thing - at least, that is how I have to look at it - is I will be unpacking and saying "hello" to my old friends for quite some time!!!

A Piece of the Past

So I probably should have been keeping a blog for quite some time now...I do feel like I have a story to share....

About three years ago we moved into a charming old home - and when I say old, I mean really old! The home was built in 1790 by a master ship builder who served in the Revolutionary War. Over the years, the house was called "home" to many families. The first family in the 1790's had many children and who I'm sure were born within these very walls. There were also brave families who risked their lives to be a part of the historic Underground Railroad - with our chimney proudly still painted with the classic black band. There was a popular town dentist who built his office in part of the home (we do not have the dentist chair-though we are often asked!!) I'm sure the other families, who I only know by name from historic records, had wonderful stories to share as well. I feel a bit of responsibility to honor these families as I settle in with my own.

But I never knew, renovations were exhausting, rewarding, daunting, challenging, testing, promising, and did I say exhausting and challenging! The list could go on....I should work at Lowe's for the amount of time I have spent there. It tells you something when we the sales people know us by name!

Over time I will fill you in on the work - I will "catch you up" on what has been done - and fill you in on the new stuff. Hint, we still do not have a full kitchen - so I promise a lot ahead!

My Slice o' Life

So, I finally have a hour to myself. Michael has taken the kids for a bike ride. You would think I would take advantage of the free time, but no, I am upstairs poking around and I decide to look out the window at the corner. We live a house away from a great corner. I call it the "slice of life" corner. One bend is home to the town funeral home and directly across from that is one of the busy town churches. We can see both from our home. On any given day we are flies on the wall of the celebrations of life. There may be a wake, christening, wedding, or funeral. There are bagpipes playing all the time for both tears of joy and tears of sorrow. I am always telling the kids as they walk to the car - quiet, there is a funeral going on or hey, look at the bride!

Tonight, because it is beautiful, the corner is busy. Bikers, joggers, walkers with strollers, seniors taking a stroll, are all enjoying this great day. And as I look out the window this evening, I realize I simply wanted to see a slice of my own life, for once, on the corner. And they do not disappoint! Michael rounds the bend getting ready to walk his bike across the street and too-tough Madeline on her brand-new big bike is riding like to catch up. Michael is in the rear getting ready to cross the street with them. I know in a few minutes it will be hectic again, but for the brief moment I am enjoying my slice.

So, here starts my blog.....I have been meaning to so this for a while. I read so many other great blogs and felt it was finally time to share my story. It will be full of our everyday life at home...during our major home renovation. Who knew door knob selection required a committee? Hope you stay tuned!